Ask Her

Ask Her: Iliza Shlesinger


ILIZA SHLESINGER the comedian and multi-hyphenate has five stand up specials streaming on Netflix—including Unveiled, 2018’s Elder Millennial, and her “fan-u-mentary” Iliza Shlesinger: Over & Over. She’s currently preparing to launch her post-pandemic Back In Action world tour and is branching out into acting with the Netflix movie Good On Paperwhich she also wrote. She starred opposite Mark Wahlberg in Spenser Confidential and Vanessa Kirby in the indie drama Pieces of a WomanHer at-home cooking show Don’t Panic Pantry, with husband and James Beard Award-nominated chef/author Noah Galuten, recently surpassed its 200th episode. She’s written a book and just sold a second one, Girl Logic: The Genius and the Absurdity. And you can catch her on her podcast, Ask Iliza Anything. (And yes, we’re exhausting just reading that.)


What do you do when you start to feel insecure and like you’ll never find the right person. Any tips to get a bit of confidence back?


Speaking in absolutes never helps. “I’ll never find the right person!” Why? Because you’re 25 and just got dumped? So your life is over forever? Surprise, almost nothing in life happens exactly when you want it and there’s a reason for that. You can’t find the right person until you are the right person. And if you’re insecure, you will only attract damaged people or repel the good ones. And guys, remember, women are not your problem, you are your problem. If you aren’t attracting women, it’s because they can sense your insecurities and your subsequent anger/disappointment in yourself. No woman wants to have sex with a sad angry dude.

I’ve always said that insecurities are a very personal thing and should be kept quiet. It’s okay to be insecure, everyone has their weaknesses. Maybe you have a weird side tooth or you aren’t positive where Europe is on a map. The most important thing to remember is that, for the most part, people aren’t as obsessed with your insecurities as you are. And, in many cases, you bring attention to it when someone may have just never noticed it or never cared. Lead with confidence and, boys, just be good at something. Anything. Be funny. Be nice. I know they say ‘nice guys finish last’ but, hey, at least they finish. Know what I mean? Plenty of women date guys who are absolute Bog Trolls, “but he makes me laugh.” (To be honest, it’s probably his money, but still, plenty of poor Bog Trolls get wonderful women simply because “he treats me like a princess.”)

There are more women than men on this planet—and women, in general, are more focused on relationships and commitment. So use that to your benefit. Get out there, be good at your one thing and lead with that. Women love passion and confidence. And there is a woman out there who will love you both for and despite your undying commitment to the Boston Red Sox. I bet she’ll even let you make it the theme of your wedding.